Peace

Peace. It's one thing I've prayed daily for. I know God hears my prayers, and yours, because the peace and strength he gives my soul is amazing.  I have always loved God, but until now I've never really understood the true meaning of needing Him.  This passage is so truthful for my situation. It is now that I need him most and I'm able to put everything I've loved and learned about Him into practice. He has shown me mercy and given me strength when I needed it most. 

Philippians 4:7-9 (NIV)

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

It's been one month since I lost my sweet boy. Since William's passing, we received test results the surgeon ran the day of his surgery. Because of his symptoms, they believed he had William's Syndrome (nothing to do with his name).  This was something presented to us the day of, so we didn't have any time to look into it ahead of time. It turns out he did have William's Syndrome which is a rare, genetic disorder.  It is not something that we passed down to him or something that happened to him while I was pregnant. It is a complete anomaly. I'm not a huge fan of google, but it's the best way to learn about this disorder. What is Williams Syndrome

William had it worse than most; in fact, his heart was the worst his surgeon had seen in over 20 years.  He was in surgery for about 15 hours.  Unfortunately, he never came off the bypass machine.  The night he passed, most of you were helping us prayer for a miracle. What you may not understand is that even though he didn't make it, we are at peace with what happened that night.  His suffering ended and he was finally sleeping peacefully. 

There was nothing the surgeons could have done for my sweet boy.  There was no solution for his heart and he would have struggled without the surgery. Had they discovered it earlier, it wouldn't have changed anything. Most WS patients aren't diagnosed until much later in infancy. We are so thankful to our pediatrician for finding it so soon. He was (and is!) in God's hands and He needed him up in heaven more than I or anyone else needed him on earth. 

The morning before I lost my sweet William, my best friend sent me these encouraging words. 

"Stumbled upon this and had to share with you: 

In Joshua 1:9, God clearly instructs us to remember the importance of staying strong when going into battle. In fact, He commands us to be:'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.'

Mama, you are strong. Persevering. Tough. Able to bend without breaking. Willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation. Not blinded. A hunter for wisdom. A praying-through-it woman. A courageous mama."

It's been one month since I lost my sweet William and even though some days it's easier, some days it's tougher than I would wish on any enemy. I have not broken and will not break. I look at these encouraging words and know that my heart is still so full of loving people. My life continues to thrive for my little Jack Jack and my family. 

I hope you continue the prayers and continue to send us love and words of encouragement. Some days I want to dig a hole and never come out. I want to cancel all plans and stay at home so I don't have to face anyone. Other days I'm ready to take on the world. Every minute of every day is a new challenge. 

I am SO thankful for the 3.5 months I had with him.  It may have been a short 107 days, but they were my William's 107 days. I praise God for every. single. moment.